I thought this was it. I thought this was his testimony of God’s faithfulness to him, only to be slapped by the harsh reality that this just wasn’t his time. All our efforts have gone to waste. Four months of flying back and forth…all gone to waste.
When I received the news, I had a hard time sleeping. It was as if your brain’s still trying to process everything and how to go about it. If there’s any other way around and then it’s back again to the dead-end. There was no way to go around it. There was only the “exit” way. And exiting meant living apart.
I guess I got used to him being around – someone I could talk to after a long day, someone who could go with me and do groceries, someone I can cook to and wait around, someone I could laugh with, go to church with — basically someone that makes me happy.
I couldn’t imagine days without him, and I was very busy at work that I didn’t have time to think how much this would affect me.
When he flew back home, I kept on asking God, “why now?” I told Him, “I am so disappointed in You” and my brain hurt because I know deep inside me that God can never disappoint me. It was like I wanted to believe and find truth in something that He disappointed me but my brain couldn’t wrap around that thought. And I looked around and I was reminded over and over again that I prayed for all of this, so how can God disappoint me? How can I say God disappointed me over one prayer that He did not answer? Especially when He can see beyond what I can only see!
I know days will be a bit dull but this teaches me that again, happiness should not be based on someone’s presence… it’s an inside job and someone’s presence is an add-up.
God knows how much I want for him to have the best time of his life… and God knows how much I love him and want the best for him. If I want this much for him, just imagine how much God wants more for him.