This was what my friend told me when we were talking about how everything seemed to fall into place ten months ago after I almost gave up on love. I was so convinced that I wasn’t going to meet someone amazing, and if I would, I’d ruin it before everything progresses because that’s just what I do. I was going to live alone for the rest of my life and drink 8 glasses of wine every night with a cuddly dog that I shall call my baby.
Then something happened last December and I wouldn’t have it any other way. When I try to look back and wonder what would have happened if I changed one decision last year, I wouldn’t have had the chance to meet and get to know him. Everything seemed to fall into place. It was as if my whole life has been building me up to prepare myself to receive all these wonderful blessings.
Just imagine all the “didn’t and wouldn’ts”. If I didn’t find the airfare for a direct flight to hometown so expensive, I wouldn’t get the one in another city. Then I wouldn’t post a question on my Facebook querying about a place to get a vacation before going home. Then he wouldn’t chat me up on messenger to talk about it and we wouldn’t ask each other out to catch up. Then he wouldn’t show up on that night and I wouldn’t get drunk and vomit and he wouldn’t drive us home and I wouldn’t appreciate the act and he wouldn’t receive a hug from me and I wouldn’t receive a forehead kiss from him and we wouldn’t catch up on a cup of coffee the next day and the rest would just be us missing something wonderful.
Can you process that? It was as if I had to be available and empty last year for God to be able to fill up my cup. I am simply out of words on how much I feel for this man. Everything I am feeling now pales to anything I’ve ever felt my whole life. It’s so incredible and at the same time utterly scary. And I couldn’t be thankful enough to God for allowing me to feel as much.
How many chances do we get to be at the right place and in the right time? To be able to say that I never regretted and would never regret anything? To be able to finally find someone who’s able to walk through your walls and surprises you how much he can read your mind and gets through your soul? To use we in every future plan he mentions and to be willing to work with you and choose you when the going gets tough?
I know for one that I am not easy to love. I could be careless with my words and when I am hurt, I back off and add another layers of imaginary bricks to my wall. I recoil and there’s a tendency that I might limit my actions or words because I have always been judged and that’s the least that I want to receive from someone. But he’s always managed to let me out of my shell, to ask the right questions, to give me time to think and answer in my own pace, to call me out when there’s something to be called out, and to never allow anything to be dragged on and leave it as unresolved. If that’s not something to be thankful for, I don’t know what is.
We’re not perfect and neither is the relationship or our love for each other. But you know what I’ve learned whenever I am reminded of that truth? It puts the spotlight in God’s love. It reminds me that the only perfect love we’ll ever get is God’s and no matter how much we’ll try to make this right and perfect, we’ll always fall short from how God loves. It keeps me rooted to my faith.
Some days, when I have too much feelings and I get scared that this could break me, that he could break me, I start counting on all the lessons I have learned and will be learning in the future. You know it’s truly good when you get scared and think that even if this doesn’t end in wedding bells, you know that you’ll always look back with a smile and a grateful heart because God allowed you to feel this much and love an amazing person. That it would be worth all the pain and buckets of tears. Yet at the same time, you are rooted in the fact that it won’t happen because you two are the kind of people that would work it out no matter that.
That kind of love… that kind of perseverance and determination… that kind of maturity… I’d probably get to have it only once and I’m at an age wherein I don’t want games and dating anymore so I vowed to myself that I’ll give this my all because whether it ends in wedding bells (which I know it would) or in gallons of ice-cream with tear-smudged mascara, either way, it’s all worth it.
Thank God, we were at the right place and at the right time. We could have been anywhere that moment and we could have missed “us”.