Thank you, my ex-lover

You, breaking up with me was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to my life. Back-reading my diary, I saw an entry wherein I wrote about how wrong it was to get back with the ex and how stupid my choices were. It was the ‘me’ who wanted to settle. But more than that, it was ‘me’ – the girl who felt guilty for breaking your heart first that I wanted to make up for it by putting the pieces together myself. But really, it was just me wanting to feel good about myself, to be able to say “I did my best”.

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But I did love you. If wanting to be with you forever wasn’t love, then I didn’t know what was. And I did mourn for the love I thought I had found and lost. Which was good, right? That way I knew it was somehow real. It might have been unreal to you now – now that you have someone who makes your world go round, but it was still real to me. We wouldn’t be able to deny the fact, that no matter what, you are and always will be my first love.

So old friend, thank you. 

Thank you for breaking up with me at a time when I wasn’t at my lowest. I know breaking up with me through a text was a really jerk-move, but it could’ve been worse.

Thank you for choosing your own happiness. Yes, I’ve always thought you didn’t have a backbone, or that, you had tiny balls for a man to stand up on what you really want. I had a new height of respect for you when you told me we didn’t have sparks and you love her.

Thank you for answering my calls and texts prior to our proper closure. You made it a gradual process for me, not immediately cutting off everything was actually good, no matter how much everyone told me that you should have cut it clean. Somehow, it helped me adjust to the fact that sooner or later, I will have to stop.

Thank you for not being direct about falling in love with a new girl. For telling me that I should have read between the lines of “I like someone”. You have no idea how much I was showing you off to my friends for being so trustworthy when all the boys they’ve dated cheated on them. Then you proved me wrong, though you never owned up to the act, you taught me how to never trust someone so easily. That no matter how long and deep you think you’ve known them, they could lie and break you into pieces. It made me realize how gullible I was and that made me stronger.

Thank you for admitting that you didn’t know what you were doing when you gave her my number which allowed her to announce to me herself that she was the current girlfriend and I was the ex. Somehow, that proved you to be a man with smaller balls even though  you almost gained a new height of respect from me. It made me see how low you swooped down just to have someone, and I couldn’t even care in the fact that you fell in love with her. You can reason out that we can’t choose who we love, but we can always say no and wait for a better one. Yes, I am giving you that look when you see someone dating somebody they said they wouldn’t. Maybe what they say’s true, we accept the love we think we deserve.

Thank you for showing up when I asked for a closure. I saw the eagerness in you, so much that you made me feel like a stranger, like someone you haven’t been with for the past six years. It’s like you just wanted to be officially out of the picture and tell yourself that it’s finally over and that you could move on without looking back. You didn’t even bother to explain what went wrong, why those things happened. You were so excited to tell me about her, like I even cared. Yeah, that was closure indeed.

Thank you for removing me as a friend, and later blocking me on Facebook. I still couldn’t understand why you had to do that, and I wasn’t even bothering you. But thank you for doing that first, it made me realized that maybe I never knew you all along. That maybe for you to remain friends even in social media disgusted you. Otherwise, it made me reconcile to peace with myself. I knew I had so many channels to stalk you, but don’t worry, it’s been 4 months since I learned to stop myself from opening your profile. And I haven’t reached out to you since that day I vowed I would move on.

Thank you for wearing that shirt. I saw a tagged post sometime ago with you wearing the other pair of shirt we bought almost five years ago when we were young and in love. I hope you remembered me, but I am also fully aware that the value of that shirt has been reduced to just a shirt, like the shirt I have too. Sometimes I wear it without even remembering that we bought these together. The shirt has just become another shirt.

Lastly, thank you for breaking my heart. It made me strong, but also vulnerable. It made me discover what I want and don’t want. It made me vow that I would never settle again. It made me appreciate the people who chose and continue to choose to stay every waking day. It made me aware to pain and suffering. It helped me empathize to others who were and are going through the same situation. I had shed so much of my old skin that I have nothing but gratefulness now because I found me. The me who’s so full of life, so much love to give, so much dreams to achieve, so much places to see, so much thoughts to discuss – relevant ones and not the usual what do you like and what do I like.

Thank you my old friend.

There were so many times that I wished we were the type of ex-lovers who would protect each other from the world even when we’re not together, that we would continue to look out for each other, that our souls once talked and connected. You have to know that I would do that for you, I would still be the girl you can always lean on when you need anything or anyone.

And it’s not because I still love in that way, but it’s because I now learned how to be there for someone when they need people the most.

Had you not broken up with me, I wouldn’t know how.

So thank you.

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