I spent the holidays back in my hometown – in the comfort of my wonderful family and friends. Though I was excited to see familiar faces and places, I was scared that I might be overwhelmed of the fact that he isn’t back home and there was no way we’ll ever see each other ever again. I thought, “One last (emotional) wave before the new year starts. I’m pretty sure I can handle this last one. What else could hurt me?”
The first few days were pretty bad, especially at nights when it would rain hard and I’d find myself driving alone belting out to old radio love songs that we used to listen to together. There was even one afternoon that I sat alone in a coffee shop – people watching – thinking how that afternoon could have been different if we were together.
After awhile, friends started showing up and I started hanging out with them. They filled up the void I had caused by his absence. It was a good December – a different kind of good compared to the ones in the past – better than I actually thought it would be.
I did meet his friends and his brother. His best friend had invited me to have coffee and talk about what really happened. I was hesitant as I didn’t want to drag anything more, but I thought I could gain a new perspective – one that’s different from mine and my friends. So I agreed, but it turned out, he had no idea what happened and what was happening. At the end, I told them that they shouldn’t invite me to anything anymore. They have to give the new girl a chance, and we all have to respect the fact that we aren’t together anymore. Before anything else, they should be a friend to him. It’s not like we were in the same circle of friends before we got together. I was only friends with them when I dated him and now that I’m not anymore, my shadows should vanish as well. That’s the only way the new girl can ease joining the group. I also had to explain to his brother what kind of place he’s in and that he only did what he needed to do.
Three weeks came by so fast. Before I knew it, I was in a plane going back to Manila. I was scared to go back. I knew going back to the city meant work and a lot of ‘alone’ time. It meant going back to the reality where I wake up at 12NN, a little too early before my shift. I feared that all the void that I tried to fill in last December would haunt me as soon as I get out from my bed with no one to talk to and nothing to do.
But an amazing thing happened. One afternoon, I woke up without any feeling of pain, regret, or missing out. It reminded me of how life was before him – though it was seven years ago – I was on my own, no thoughts or consideration of someone else’s feelings or well-being. And I surprisingly liked that, as selfish as it may sound.
I remembered I laughed at that sunny eight day of January. I laughed so hard with the fact that I might be doing okay now. I laughed because I knew, this time, I was out of the woods, and more than that, I am healed.
This journey was such a game changer. I was ready to settle, to compromise, to choose him – thinking there was only one man who could live with all of my shenanigans and would still love me, boy was I thankful that he broke up with me.
I am so full of life to be half-loved. I deserve a love that moves mountains and crosses oceans. I deserve a love who would see me in the present and would find a way to see me in the future. I deserve a love as opposite as the one I settled for. I deserve a love – the kind of love I have given him.
It’s nice knowing that I could go through the days alone and feel okay. Like I’m not missing on anything or anyone. Like my heart’s so empty but it’s a good empty. Like there’s so much possibilities of filling it with adventure, shenanigans, blessings, people, opportunities and many more. Like finally finding yourself, and calling you your home.
This makes me say yes to new open doors without shackles and handcuffs. It makes me agree and disagree to opinions and invitations I know wouldn’t help make me grow. It makes me identify my inner soul and being to who I truly am.
This year, healing will continue to push through. No camping out, no pauses, no double-takes. I’ll keep on moving forward, continue to aim high, and never settle again. I almost believed that I was too ambitious for anyone, that reaching for the sky was wrong but after putting everything into perspective, I realized I was just with the wrong person. I don’t need to keep looking down anymore and checking if anyone’s catching up, or slowing and limiting myself down for his convenience due to the fact that he couldn’t keep up.
Above all, aside from the healing and the big plans, I promised I’m going to pursue the Lord this year more than ever. I saw how God delivered me from everything I was going through last year. I saw how good and faithful He is, even when I wasn’t. What better way to thank Him for His goodness than to serve Him and pursue Him in ways I haven’t before?
When I am full in the Lord, everything will fall into place — the love I thought I had found and lost, the promotion or career shift that I am praying about, the plans of going abroad, the finances that I need to settle, the salvation of my family…everything will be given at the right place and at the right time.
And even if it won’t be, just having and knowing that I am His and He is mine is more than enough. 🙂
Happy 2016 to all of you! Cheers to the great people we will become, to bigger mountains we will conquer, to larger goals that we will achieve, to greater oceans that we will cross!