I’ve been really feeling tired for the past couple of weeks and I’ve been putting off some activities to go out and meet friends instead. This weekend alone, I could count the hours I’ve spent inside the house with my fingers – an alarming rate, given that I am a homebody and an introvert.
I think we all have those days when we just want to put our minds off from thoughts that haunt us everyday. Personally, it’s my way of escape. During Fridays, my brain shoots ideas where to go and what to do and it’s exhausting. By Monday, I’m out. I wake up debating whether I should go to the office or not which isn’t supposed to be.
God tells us to rest, and that’s what I exactly did yesterday after work. I missed my one-on-one talks with Him. I missed pouring out my heart to Him and feeling His peace afterwards. I missed Him because I was so busy going through the days lifelessly.
I was sitting on the floor inside my room while browsing through the Bible unsure of what to read or meditate on. Then I remembered the story of Abraham and Isaac.
We all know that Abraham is the father of all fathers, but before that, the LORD promised Abraham to make of him a great nation (with descendants as numerous as the stars), bless him, make his name great, bless them that bless him, and curse “him” that curses him. (Genesis 12:1-3)
Abraham was old and Sarah was barren, but God fulfilled His promise when Sarah got pregnant and gave birth to Isaac, their only son. Then God tested out Abraham by asking him to offer his only son, whom he loved, Isaac. (Genesis 22)
Now if you were Abraham, what would you think when you hear God telling you to offer your only son, whom you loved, to whom the numerous descendants would spring forth? You’ll probably ask God why and how. But Abraham didn’t. He was willing to offer Isaac because he feared the Lord and because he trusted Him.
I paused and read the chapter over and over again. God tested Abraham by asking him to offer his only son, the son he loved so much, the son that God had promised. Check out the term “whom he loved”; it only shows that God knows what he’s asking of Abraham, that Isaac was someone Abraham valued so much, and He’s asking him to give Isaac up.
I found myself staring at nowhere and asking myself – who’s your Isaac, Kim? Is it the guy you have loved so much? Is it your career? Or your family? Or yourself? And I nodded to all of these questions. I have a lot of Isaac in my life, but most importantly, my Isaac is myself.
Let go and let God.
We’ve heard this a thousand times. I alone have heard this from a lot of people for the past few months. Let go and let God. How do I do it? Do we have a manual about it? A step-by-step execution? Is it as simple as letting go of a balloon? Or a kite?
I think it’s even harder at the spiritual sense since you’re not really literally giving up something tangible and seeing it moving away.
There were so many afternoons that I found myself kneeling down, with arms stretched open and telling God I’ve let go and letting Him take over. There are times when I would feel the peace and there are times when I would question whether God heard me and had taken my burdens away.
Letting go and letting God doesn’t happen in one sitting though. It doesn’t happen in one prayer. I’ve learned that although I feel so weary and impatient, it is a daily surrender.
Everyday, we wake up and choose to let go and let God. We will choose to walk under His wings and be aware of His presence. Daily obedience, trust and belief that God is working out on something.
My Isaac is myself.
Because I’m such a selfish person and yes, there are days when I’m so full of myself, I realized that I am my own Isaac. I look out for myself so much that I barely even consider somebody else’s situation or feelings.
I like control. I like knowing how my day would go and end. I like having a plan for the next years and working my way to achieve it. I just can’t let go easily. I will have to push and try everything before I give up.
But just six months ago, God showed me that I am definitely not in control; that even if I tried my best to hold on and keep things to work the way I want it to, it wasn’t going to happen.
I was shaken to the core that instead of resisting, I gave up. Resisting and denial only made things worse. It only heighten the pain and added more issues to everything. So I did what everyone told me, I let go and let God.
I gave up myself. I gave me as my Isaac. And by giving up myself, I gave up everything I thought was my Isaac.
I gave up the man I loved and I still pray that God will look out for Him, that He will guide him to make the right decisions in life. I gave up my career – putting in mind that God is my boss and He opens and closes doors whenever He want to; that if He wants me to be sent onshore, He will do so and nobody could ever stop it. I gave up my family, remembering that they are also God’s children and that He looks out for them the way He does to me. I gave up my dreams, believing that I will acquire God’s desires in my heart and follow those.
It’s a daily struggle and I am an impatient person. I don’t like waiting very much and because of that, I misinterpret God’s Words just to make way for my desires.
But I always put into mind that this is a journey. I have to walk in His path. I have to know that the process is the promise land. It’s really a daily surrender and it’s really hard.
The difference is that there’s this kind of peace from knowing that the God of the Universe – who made everything, with a timeline that’s out of this world, to Him everything is possible – holds your past, present and future with utmost care and best interest.
Who doesn’t want to give up their Isaacs on a God like that?