I was browsing through my blog and rereading old posts when I saw an entry about going and cancelling my trip to Coron a few months back.
I was able to buy airplane tickets for a very cheap price and my scheduled leave has been approved. I was supposed to spend a week of vacation – not bringing any type of work – in a paradise and hopefully fix anything what’s left of our relationship.
I had four days to go before I board that flight going to Busuanga. My plans were laid out like a blueprint of a building. We were going to see each other after 6 months and we were going to spend a lot of time together seeing all the places that paradise could offer. I was going to save us. It was a make or break trip.
Funny how everything could change in 96 hours – I was told that the schedule for my most-awaited exam, the one that would catapult my career to further heights, have been scheduled on the weekend. Those were the days I should have been basking under the sun while lulling myself to sleep with the sound of waves.
And as if that wasn’t enough to make me feel hopeless; that week, three storms were forecasted to beat up Philippines with high chances of trips to be cancelled.
I remembered kneeling down and praying and accepting whatever reason why God didn’t let me go that time. It took me a lot of crying and regretting and ranting to get over the fact that I wasn’t really going. I would never get the closure that I wanted. I would never get him back. I would never be able to fix us. It was the end. That was God saying no.
But because I have a head as hard as a diamond – nope, I didn’t skip my exam and went instead, actually I passed it with flying colors, thanks God – after a week, I bought a ticket from a random guy who posted in a backpackers group on Facebook that he was selling his airplane tickets to Coron for a specific date in a very cheap price.
Maybe this is God’s way of telling me, ‘Okay, you can go’ so I jumped on the opportunity and grabbed it. I bought the ticket which wasn’t in my name and I had to make a fake ID to board that flight. I knew it was illegal but I thought I had to do it. It felt like stealing you know and stealing is written in the Ten Commandments and I only realized today how awful and desperate I have done and become to go through all of it.
So I went and whenever I checked in (from Manila and from Busuanga), they would always ask, “Are you with Mr. Insert name?” and I would answer “No, we broke up!” because apparently, the ticket that I bought was supposed to be for that guy and his girlfriend. Twas fun tho.
I knew what I was getting into, like what if the plane crashed and my family wouldn’t know I died because I was on that plane with a different name, so I had to write down the name and sent it over to my best friend that she should look out for it if worse comes to worse.
At this point of my writing, I couldn’t help but feel pathetic and desperate, but hang on, I have a point here, I promise.
So I arrived safely in Coron (thank God for His mercy that even though we tend to stray, He loves us so much to only want the best for us) and checked in at a cheap guest house that stink like piss and was hot as the Sahara Desert – all for the name of love folks, all for the name of love.
It was my first time traveling alone and I had all the wrong reasons, what more could go wrong?
After watching the sunset and thanking God for everything, I called him up and excitedly announced that I was in Coron and I was going to see him soon and he told me to call him up a few hours later as he was in the church and three hours later, I’ve received a text from his girlfriend.
That was Coron’s way of welcoming me.. or Culion’s?
Things got way out of hand for the next few days and I found myself crying my heart out and asking God whyyyyyyy. Why would He let me go to Coron and Culion only to have my heart broken? Why would He give him out to someone else? Why would He allow him to fall in love with someone else? What’s going to happen to me? How would I spend the next few days alone? You have no idea how much apologizing I had to do to my Father after He made me see how everything made sense.
This entry got way too long so let’s cut the story short.
I had my heart broken and I went through all the phase of wishful thinking and hoping that maybe he needed someone and I simply wasn’t there for him. I had to ask the Lord of so many whys and hows and I hated him and even the girl with all my heart. I stalked on Facebook and thought and said of everything ugly about them. I’m still actually on the road of recovery but I’m glad to say that everything has been put into perspective and I think of him less and less.
When I look back now and try to see things in a different perspective, I realized God was clear when He told me NO the first time. I didn’t have to go through all that – having my heart broken, feeling betrayed, unwanted solitude, treated like crap – if I accepted and followed Him the first time.
I suffered because I chose my own way. Those were supposed to be unnecessary pain. I didn’t have to go through that, but I had because I didn’t obey my Dad when obviously He knew and had always known what was best for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved the fact that I learned so many lessons by venturing off on that adventure as if I was some kind of heroine who was tasked to save the beast who would turn into a prince, but learning it the hard way wasn’t necessary.
I know I’ve told you about this story quite a lot of times, but this time, it’s much different since I am writing this with a clearer head and with lesser to none pain in the heart.
God turned a mess into an opportunity though.
He revealed Himself, or rather His peace, when I needed it the most; when I had no one to turn to; when I felt like crap; when I was drowned in self-pity; when the one person I felt so secured with and someone I’ve always thought was my wonderwall, stepped back and wanted nothing to do with my life. It was just me and God.
There was a moment right there when I told myself, ‘Ahhhh, this was why You didn’t want me to come in the first place, you were saving me from the pain but You still used everything to Your advantage. Thank You.’
As I moved forward in my life, I realized that whatever is in your hands that isn’t from God will die (not literally, okay). We tend to put our security in our finances, in our career, in our spouses, in our family but not in God. I saw my ex as my own comfort zone, my security blanket, my sure thing – someone who would always choose me and stay with me even when everyone was gone.
I was okay with that, I was okay to know that there was one person who would always be by my side but have I ever thought about God? Have I ever thought about God not leaving me and forsaking me? Did I hold on to His promise?
I didn’t because I had this one person in my life.
God obviously didn’t want that for me and I now knew why. God is worthy to be praised and to be leaned on. This had to happen to make me understand that I couldn’t put my security in people, in feelings, in anything that vanishes away. I had to put it to Him alone, to God who has always been there, with no beginning and an end, who promised to never leave us nor forsake us, to Him who never changes.
To a God who loves us so much He is the very reason why I’m still able to write these words.
Going through all that wasn’t necessary, but because I disobeyed, I had to learn everything the hard way and God is the kind of God who has all the power to turn a mess into a beautiful thing…. which is why I am thankful for who He is.
When I think about what I wrote now, lol, God didn’t say NO to me about traveling. God said NO to me in getting back and continuing that relationship. I’m pretty sure God is in control and He has way way better blueprints for my life than I had on my own.
Rom 5:2a-5 – “And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”
Lol, this is 1627 words all in all.