A month has passed since I committed my “letting go and moving on” plan to the Lord. Some days I feel more than okay, and some days I feel like I just want to disappear, get an amnesia or something.
Lately I have been basking in God’s presence and glory. I have been praying more than ever, been reading the Bible, been listening to sermons, been listening to worship songs. I’ve never sought God as much as I do now. Everyday has become a daily surrender.
Today, another surrendering has been done – one that was so big, one that would make way for better mornings, and one that would heal me; recognizing the fear and giving forgiveness.
I was alone in the house and I felt the need to talk to the Lord. It seemed like my days are not complete when I don’t. So I sat down at my room’s floor, opened the Bible and closed my eyes. I opened my heart and reached down, from the innermost and deepest parts of my heart, I laid down my fears.
What are your fears, Kim? Why do you hold your breath whenever you feel something starts to creep up from your stomach to your heart? What are the things that you need to lay down?
I inhaled and exhaled. The room was quiet, only my breathing could be heard. Then suddenly, I heard myself pouring it out to the Lord. One by one, I started telling Him my fears. One by one, the baggage started unloading. One by one, He was receiving and throwing it in the dump. I felt so much lighter, better and a little hopeful.
I started asking for forgiveness. I forgave myself. I started walking down the memory lane of the past and pointed out all the times I felt I did not allow him to be a man. I forgave myself for all the mistakes I’ve done. Then I started forgiving him. I forgave his choices. I forgave him in the past and will continue to forgive him in the future.
When I felt I was done forgiving, I started praying for blessings. I prayed for his welfare, for his happiness, for his safety, for blessings. I prayed for both of them.
I think, I’ve finally come to accept that as much as I tell myself that God wants the best for me, God wants the best for him too. God doesn’t have plans for me alone, He also has plans for him and the girl. I should see them as children of God and that I am no better than they are.
It’s another milestone for me and I’m glad that I went through all of this. Pepay once asked me, ‘Would you ever exchange this moment with God that you have now than continue the relationship with him?’. When she first asked me that question, my answer was a slightly yes. There was still something in me who didn’t want to go through this pain and choose him instead.
But as I walk with the Lord in this season of my life, I realized I’d rather have the darkest days with Him rather than the happiest days without Him.
God loves me, and though I was rejected and replaced, God would never do that to me. God loved me even before I did love Him. He chose me even before I was born. God will never wake up one day and say ‘I don’t love you anymore, Kim’. He will never forsake me nor leave me. To who else should I put my trust and invest my heart?
Laying down my darkest desires and fears was not easy. Forgiving him doesn’t mean forgetting. And I wish it could be the same thing right now. At this moment, I wanted to forget everything as well. But I also know that God is letting me go through this because He’s teaching me something and that this will all result to His glory.
Truth to be told, I’ve never felt so near to God until now. He’s being so direct. I could feel the shiver in my body and the presence whenever I have my quiet time. There are days when I just throw up my hands in the air with crying and groaning, not because I’m still in pain, but because I have so much joy that He chose to save me before I was in the bottom pit.
I totally have a long way to go, seriously. But I will hold on to God’s promises.
Ezekiel 36:26, NKJV. “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”