Do you remember the first time we’ve met? Your stare lingered even as I walked away and looking back at you telling my cousin that you stood really tall. That was just an excuse though for me to stare a little more without you thinking I have the hots for you. But I did have the hots for you which was why I felt all giddy when I received a text from you asking if we could see each other more.
From then on, our lives tangled like spider webs. Your friend started showing interest in me without all of us knowing we were all friends. We started hanging out, with friends and with none and we stayed up late exchanging amazing innocent ideas through the phone. We talked about music, great people, food, movies and anything under the sun. We started watching movies and discussed afterwards. If there are still memories, even the ones tucked at the back of your mind, you’d remember that day I went to your class room to get my project that you drew out of I had no idea why. You probably had no idea how the butterflies in my stomach fluttered like crazy. Your eyes were gentle and your lips spoke words of hope and love and everything wonderful. You were that one guy I really liked that I started thinking of wedding bells and little Kimis running around.
And it scared me. It scared the hell out of me. I tried convincing myself that we were friends, that you only wanted to be friends, that you liked girls your age and there was no way you would like me. We were complete opposites and I didn’t know what made us jammed with each other.
So that Valentine’s day, seven years ago – you brought me flowers and told me you loved me. I panicked and didn’t know what to do or say. I never said I loved you back, but I scrummed away and told you my Mom wanted me home. Did you feel bad, disappointed, hurt? I didn’t know.
We never talked about it until a month later. You were graduating from college and I had another three years to figure out college myself. I considered my options. I’d say I love you too and be in a relationship with you (with the fact that my mother never wanted me to get into one while in college); or I would ask you to wait until I was ready; or stay as friends and grieve the moment you find someone to love. You loved me, so I jumped and said I loved you too.
We watched movies with your arms engulfing me. We strolled the mall with your fingers entwining mine. We looked at each other like galaxies were formed in our eyes. And I loved you.
I loved your long strides and that I had to keep up with you with my short ones. I loved that little mole in the side of your nose. I loved the gentleness in your eyes. I loved the veins sculpting in your arms. I loved you and everything in between. I loved how we fought and I loved how I cried. I loved how you would hug me after and kiss my forehead. I loved how my body fits to yours like it was sculpted perfectly. I loved how we hurt and ran away from each other and still found ourselves back. I loved how we would always choose ‘us’ each time.
So when did everything start falling apart? When did we stop loving each other? When did we let go of the sparks? When was that exact time and day? What happened? Because right now, I could only remember how much I loved you.
And I will love you until the day I die. I will love you more than any other who would come and go in my life. I will love you when I wake up in the morning and close my eyes at night. I will love you when your monsters have come out and your angels have gone away. I will love you even when we’re miles apart. I will love you even when you love someone else.
For now, you will be carefully tucked away in the deepest part of my heart and thoughts. Right now, we are not ready for each other. I’m not sure if we will ever be. But this seemed like we were running in an infinite loop. It’s tiring but I love you and I thought it’s fine.
Distance, time, universe – everything seems to be against us. And instead of holding on tightly, we are so easily swayed and let go. Maybe someday we’ll find ourselves in the same place, in the same time, in the same love, in the same goal. Maybe someday there will be no letting go. Or maybe someday, when we’re slightly older, we’ll be better in this thing called love.
This is me setting you free. This is me accepting we don’t get third chances. This is me accepting things happen for a reason. This is me understanding what you are going through. This is me knowing we’re not good for each other right now. This is me wanting you to be happy. This is me loving you in ways even I do not understand.
How long will I love you? I will love you in this lifetime, in the next, and even in the hundreds.