“What” and “If” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.
For two years, I was haunted by these two words. I thought I might need to go back and fill in what’s between these haunting words and when I did, I realized all my efforts was still not enough. Now, I’m done with what if. I don’t want to keep on looking back and allow myself to be haunted. These words can only chase me when I allow them to. I don’t want to ask what ifs anymore. I don’t want to keep on thinking what could have happened if I was better, if I was kinder, if I was this and that. I want to enjoy the present – whatever’s laid out in front of me. I want to look forward to the future. I want to feel the thrill of what is and hell, yeah.
So this time, I’m gonna break my walls down. I’m gonna talk about it and cry while I do so. I’m gonna let others ask me about it. I’m gonna welcome friendships over a cup of coffee and a glass of wine. I’m gonna open my heart and mind to the fact that I deserve someone so much better – someone who will not divide his love between my bad and good side but will see me as a whole and love me all the same. I’m gonna learn when to hold on and let go.
I’m not gonna doubt myself anymore. I’m not gonna ask myself what if I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m not gonna wait on somebody to finally realize how amazing I am. I’m not wait for anyone to see my worth because I know I am worthy to deserve better things in life. I’m not going to wait on anyone anymore.
I will love who I will love and I will not allow my feelings to wake me up in the middle of the night.