Me Without You

And where would I be without You? I’d be packin’ my bags when I need to stay. I’d be chasin’ every breeze that blows my way. I’d be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away. It’s true, that’s me without You.

Before 2014 ends, I just want to thank the Lord for everything He has given me, He has taken away and He has taught me. I call this year my “molding of the character” year. 

This year really started out rough – especially in my job. I did a lot of mistakes that caused one of my colleagues to be transferred or retooled. It was my mistake and the upper management “covered my *ss” telling me that at the end of the root-cause analysis, it wasn’t really because of me. I still felt accountable for all that mishaps. I bombed it, so I fixed it. I was in the office for two days, only going home to take a shower and a short nap, and then back again. I felt like moving mountains, but God moved the mountain instead. I was moving mounts in UNIX, and God was moving mountains in me. Yes, in me. I was the mountain and that experience really taught me a lot. After that, every issue looked so easy. I gained confidence in me and to the Lord. I was able to tell myself that if God moved mountains, he can move small rocks along the way without a sweat.

And because of that mistake, we were able to identify better risks and prepared better for the next activities. Through the help of my colleagues, especially Victor, we were able to tune the activity from 24hours to 10hours without overtime charges and with high quality result!

Just a few days ago, I learned that I was rated higher compared to my peers because of that. I really expected that I was going to be below my peers since I felt so useless in my team (you see, I wasn’t that technical, only if needed).

Though I resigned months before the rating was announced, I still felt good hearing about it. God was really with me all the way and He even turned that bad thing to good!

Second, I resigned at my first job without knowing what to expect in the next one. It was testing the waters without even knowing how deep it is. It was a challenge of faith. I know that God will open doors for me. If He allows it, it will happen and He doesn’t need me in it. I knew in my heart that every opportunity that I’ve been given was not because I was good, or skilled, but because God allowed it. I didn’t have money after I resigned but Mom was there to help me. I think that was also the turning point of our relationship. I learned to see that my Mom is not my enemy. That whatever happens, she will always be there for me. And I think Mom also realized that whatever I will achieve in life will also reflect to her. Because of that, I think we were able to reconnect silently and that we had let each other know that it will always be us against the world – that family always comes first – that no matter what, we always got each others’ backs.

And because of my going out of the comfort zone, with so little money and with only expecting money from Mom, I was able to downgrade my lifestyle. I learned to value money and spent as little as possible and instead putting my money to better use. I was able to give back whatever that belonged to the Lord and if God allows, I might be able to achieve my plans for next year.

Though it was a struggle, through this experience, I learned how this molded my character. God wanted me to put my security in Him. He wanted me to learn how to jump knowing He’ll catch me no matter what.

When I look back and read some of my journal entries, I couldn’t help but cry. God has been so faithful – as always – and though there are days that I have doubts, God always assures me that He’s there, that He’s alive, that He’s true. I am yet to encounter Him personally – like really personally – like specific – like whatever happens I know I’ll stand firm because God made Himself known to me in a very personal level that only I could know. I’m still praying for that moment.

But above everything else, I can only be thankful, amazed and awestruck to the one and only living God!

What am I indeed without You? You are only the peace that I know and with that I am beyond contented! 🙂

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