I’m supposed to be in a deep slumber at this hour, but I was just done installing my Chrome again and decided to take a look at my old photos on Facebook. These are the times when I am in a battle between accepting myself the way I am and feeling bad about the fact that I cannot be physically perfect and I look better years ago.
These are also the times when I am reminded how God made me beautiful and wonderful. You know, there are days when our hair doesn’t cooperate with us, or our skin looks darker or burnt from a good sunny walk, or our lips are chapped and we forgot to put the lipbalm on, and many other worries that we shouldn’t worrying about in the first place.
I have those days and some people just doesn’t help when they mention it in your face. One time, some years ago, I felt so beautiful in this pink dress that I was wearing and my hair was curled and I put on a little make up and I just felt beautiful. I walked into the door and someone suddenly said, “You look so stressed.” It felt like the world came crashing down on me. Basagan ng trip?, I retorted. I would always argue and would feel bad about it.
And honestly, I am one insecure, intimidated woman. I want to look my best, every single day. I want to look fresh and happy. I thought I can have that effect on people by wearing nicer clothes, or putting make-ups, or accessorizing way way much than before. But to put myself on the pedestal was just tiring and disappointing. You can never be perfect because no one is and no one will be. Some girls may look gorgeous, have a happy life or a wonderful family and friends, good grades, great marriage, but you can always never tell. These girls might suffering from the same thing I’m suffering. Or these girls might also be intimidated or insecure with some other women. Or these girls are going through something that only they can know and never tell.
As I was looking at my old pictures awhile ago, and as I sigh on the fact that I have gotten fatter than the skinny me before, I realized that being beautiful comes from the inside. Though I look better then, I look so much happier now. There is something magical with happiness radiating from the inside out. It brings a different kind of beauty. It defies men’s standard and definition of this so-called perfection. It’s exactly the same as the song, “I’ve got joy, down in my heart, deep deep down in my heart.”
I think I’d rather choose this – fat but with magical joy – in my life rather than be thin but always insecure and intimidated.
Knowing that men’s standard isn’t the same as God’s, I have learned to put confidence to myself and to believing that no matter what people say, I am beautiful because God created me in His own image and all His works are good.
Fortunately, I can always hit the gym to have a better shape. *wink