You are big.

Tired but fulfilled. Twas a day today! Last night, I wasn’t able to sleep well.. due to reasons I cannot really tell. Though I have a feeling it’s about me being scared of the future – for my job, for myself, and questions whether I can do this or not. I keep on telling myself that I just have to focus on the present and do the best that I can be, but it seems like I couldn’t be comforted. Maybe it’s because of this that I keep on getting backaches. I had this when I was also stressed because of my thesis.

Anyway, this morning, I did my daily tasks like updating and making batch reports. I was puzzled when I saw a job cancelled and I had to ask my lead, but he’s working from home so we couldn’t engage in a face-to-face explanation. I had to ping him because I just had to escalate it. Then I told him I’ll wait for another team mate but we were informed that he’ll be on sick leave, so I was on my own. I had to call the attention of my team and the manager told me to call the onshore counterpart and the blood drained out on me. I was scared. It’s my first time to actually introduce myself and call an onshore counterpart. I called him up and thanked God Pearl and Jodax were beside me just in case there’ll be any problems. I didn’t understand a word our counterpart said. PROMISE! I did not understand a word so I just told him if he can email me back as I sent him an email with regards to the problem.

I was waiting and waiting and waiting, (thank you Jenn and Mirai) for buying and bringing lunch to me when I couldn’t move from my seat. I wasn’t able to eat very well – I only ate my rice and I wasn’t even able to get my food in half. I was really shaking. At around 1:30PM, I had to send the report whether the counterpart replies or not. It was only then I realized I was holding my breath.

Around the afternoon, I asked Vic if he can give me exercises with regards to Unix and he gave me one. He said it was an easy one and yeah, it kinda was – though it took me 2hours to finish it. I still know how to use the IFELSE options.. but I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right. I never ever had confidence with my Mathematical and programming skills. I know how to do it and I know the answer, but I’ve always thought my way of solving was a lot simple than the correct solutions so I always hesitated and I always find a way to make the solutions complicated. -.- WEIRD. But I was glad that my solution was right. Thank you to Jenn, Mirai and Dolfo for answering my queries with regards to user input in command line. I’m just so happy that I got it right, even if it was really easy.

What a beautiful day. I remembered my first debugging of program in college. I was so excited when I ran the program successfully. This reminded me a lot why I took Computer Science and why I didn’t want to shift courses.

Thank you Lord, for telling me that I can do it, that I just need to be confident, that I have to trust myself, that there’s no reason I should be afraid of the future. You are big, and we a speck of dust. You are big and everything else is nothing.

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